The Day I Had
by IrishLoveForever
Summary: Entry for the "To Kill a Cullen" Contest. Bella and Edward are visiting Forks for his parent’s anniversary dinner. Nothing can go wrong…right? Well, trouble always seems to find Bella…
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Day I Had...

**Penname(s): **IrishLoveForever

**Rating: **M

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. No infringement intended.

**Summary: **Bella and Edward are visiting Forks for his parent's anniversary dinner. Nothing can go wrong…right? Well, trouble always seems to find Bella…

**Submitted for the 'To Kill a Cullen' Contest**

**Please check out the other entries here :**

**http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/To_Kill_a_Cullen_Contest_Community/76759/**

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**AN: I want to thank my awesome beta ** **topazeyez! You kick ass! Thanks for looking this over!**

**For those who have me on author alert and are waiting for the sequel to 'You Belong to Me.' Sorry, this isn't it, but I plan to have the first chapter posted within the next four days!  
**

**OK...I think that is it...enjoy...**

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Edward and I were heading toward his parent's house. We had just arrived in Forks for a family get-together. It was the anniversary of his parents, not an important number, just the immediate family getting together. Let's just say that I wasn't jumping for joy. First off, there was Rosalie, Miss I'm-a-hot-blond-and-look-at-my-legs-they-go-on-for-miles! She was my brother-in-law's wife; she would give me death glares as if her life depended on it and she would barely acknowledge my presence. _Hmm…one could say that she didn't like me…_

Then there is Alice, my sister-in-law, how do I describe the antics of Alice? Well, for example, she made sure to call and remind me about 100 times in the last week that I _must_ show up early so she can 'fix me up.' She has apparent issues with my style. Honestly, I love her to death, but she can get a little too much. I wondered sometimes if I could slip her Valium without anyone noticing.

His family was nowhere near what mine was like. Between my crazy hippie mother running around the house flinging essence in the air while chanting non-coherent words and my dad sitting on the couch yelling something at whatever sport team was playing, I'm surprised I didn't walk away with a name like Flower or Junior. Apparently, both my parents shared a common joy when I was younger and picked up my name from a TV show. _Thank you popular daytime series Days of our Lives…_

We pulled into the driveway. I looked up at the grand house. I would never get over how big it was. I sighed, mentally preparing myself for the torture I would soon receive at the hands of Alice. Edward grabbed my hand and gave me his sexy half grin look that was full of understanding. All I could do was smile back at him. _At least he'll be there to keep me sane. _

"Ready to go in?" he questioned.

I let out an over dramatic sigh. "I suppose…"

I was reaching for the door handle when I heard Edward's phone go off. I halted my movements as he answered his phone.

"Hello….I'm good….yes we are here…one of us could do that…all right I'll see you later."

He snapped his phone shut and turned to look at me. I raised my eyebrows, silently asking who that was.

"Apparently Rosalie's flight is getting in soon, she came in on a different flight than Emmett because of work. They asked for one of us to go pick her up since everyone else is busy."

I gulped. _Oh dear God, without Edward there, Alice will go nuts with power. She knows how much of a push over I can be._

We both looked intently at each other. Neither of us wanted to be alone in the house and we both knew it. We loved his family but when they were all together, it was like a whirlwind of craziness, to be avoided at all possible costs. Hell, I'd rather be in the car with the one I dubbed 'Glarey Glarerson' than be in that house any longer than needed.

We both knew what we would do; it's what we do every time we cannot decide on a situation. Some would call it childish, but hey…if it works for us. We both held out a fist and on the count of three…

_ Rock…_

_ Paper…_

_ Scissors…_

_ Shoot!_

_SHIT!!! I should have known! I barely win._

"Is that ok, Love?" Edward's head tilted to the side. I couldn't deny him anything, he gave me a sexy look…who am I kidding, all his looks were damn sexy! Sometimes I wondered if Edward and Alice were the damn wonder twins with the power they had over me. My eyes unconsciously lowered down to his hand, expecting to see a wonder twin ring on his finger. I shook my head to get myself out of this ridiculous train of thought.

I smiled up at him, "It's no problem. I also told Esme anyways that I would help prepare the meal tonight. See you in a bit."

He smiled and pecked me on the lips. "All right, do you want to grab your suitcase now, in case you need it?"

I nodded and went to the trunk. Grabbing the suitcase, I walked half way up the path and turned to wave at Edward. He was out of sight when I tentatively lowered my hand. _Maybe this wont be that bad. What's the worst that could happen…_

The sound of the front door bursting open and hitting the side of the house echoed throughout the sky. "BELLA!" I heard an excited scream. _Oh, dear God…help me…_

Before I could even turn around to acknowledge my sister-in-law, I felt small hands clinging to me in a death grip, also known as an Alice-hug. _Geez, for someone so small, she is freakishly strong._

I tried to move a little, to turn around or at least to get her off but I found that I was stuck with her on me. _Damn it, she's like a freaking panda bear. Stupid Forks…if only I had some bamboo to throw…_

She loosened up on the death grip to grab my shoulders and spin me around. "Bella, _what _are you doing standing out here?"

With one hand, she grabbed my suitcase and with the other, she snatched my hand, pulling me toward the front door. "Standing out here…so much to do…" She muttered more to herself than to me.

Edward let it slip a while back that Alice had spent time in a mental institution when she was younger. The more time I spent with her, the more I could see why.

She pulled me all the way through the house and into Edward's room. Not a full moment passed when my suitcase was thrown onto the bed and she was rifling through it. Pieces of my clothes were flying through the air.

She stopped to inspect a white sweater. She shook her head from side to side. "Tsk tsk Bella…I thought you learned so much from last time." _Yeah, I learned never to come here without being completely prepared for getting drunk. _

She threw it over her shoulder onto the floor as she continued her assault on my bag. She picked up a T-shirt and looked at it. Her face was perplexed and showed hints of disgust; it was as if she just found a piece of alien technology at the dump. She continued going through the rest of my belongings, not even attempting to keep her comments to her self.

"No…no…what are we in an 80's music video...no…awww _hell_ no…did you borrow this from a nun?" I scoffed. _Sister Mary Ellen has a wonderful taste in clothes!_

I just stood there like an idiot, too stunned to formulate words at her. _This is a whole new level of torture. Like, help me I'm in a seemingly unbeatable trap where there is a weird clown puppet calling himself Jigsaw, kind of torture. _

I finally got my bearings, ready to say something but she grabbed my arm and pulled me down the hall into a room that I remembered was hers.

"That's fine Bella…don't _you_ worry, I prepared for such an event." _Uh...huh?_

We burst in the room and there was an entire rack full of clothes. _Oh…don't tell me…_

"I went shopping!!" I turned wide-eyed toward my obvious crazed sister-in-law.

She ran over to the clothes and pulled them off the rack. "Here try them ALL on!" She said not even trying to hide her excitement...actually, which is no different from usual. I couldn't believe that I was still surprised by that. _Maybe because you're numb…_

She was throwing more and more clothes into my hands when I conjured up words to speak.

"Alice…" She apparently didn't hear me and the pile of clothes continued to grow in my arms. "ALICE!" I finally screamed out and she froze. _Thank heavens._

"First off…hi, second, where is everyone? Third, _I _know that _you_ know which one you want me to wear so why don't you save some time and just tell me which one to put on. I told Esme that I would help her cook," I said everything all at once and very quickly, knowing this could be my only chance to talk in awhile.

"Oh," she giggled. "Sorry…hey!" She waved and smiled even bigger. _No…seriously, her smile could compete with the Jokers. _I admit I even have had a nightmare once or twice where Alice asked me, 'Why so serious?' Goosebumps trailed down my arms at the memory of it.

"Umm…everyone is coming and going, getting ready for the big shindig, so I don't know exactly."

I nodded. "As for your outfit…" she went over and picked out a pair of jeans and a nice red top. "You know me all too well Bella, here. Now, scoot into the bathroom and change! The sooner we get you out of these things you call 'clothes' the better!"

I rolled my eyes, knowing it's better to comply so I can help with the dinner sooner.

When I was done changing, I quickly and quietly made my way over to the kitchen, trying not to disturb the monster known as Alice. _You'd think I was dealing with the Kraken or something…_

Thinking that maybe I could just hide in the kitchen until everyone arrives. I rolled my eyes at myself. _Riiight Bella, as if Alice won't look for you there…in her own house. You know…she probably never has been here before…_

When I reached the kitchen, I thought how wonderful it was to have my own mind taunt was just what I needed. _Glad to be of assistance. _

I got to the counter and noticed the food all spread on it. Shrugging my shoulders, I figured I would just start somewhere and picked up the knife and started to chop some vegetables.

I think all of two minutes went by before I heard, what some sailors would call, 'the Siren.' The loud voice that originated from behind me boomed throughout the house.

"BELLA! What are you doing? We still need to do your nails…your hair….find jewelry to match…shoes you won't trip in…" Alice continued her never-ending sentence. I just continued to chop the vegetables, trying to reel in my anger.

Someone can only take so much annoyance. Yes…my tolerance was higher than the average Joe…but there comes a point in everyone's life where you just had to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. _Geez…you're speaking as if you're the next Rosa Parks…Joan of Arc…what's next Bella…do you have a dream as well?_

I groaned. First, I'll deal with Alice then my stupid mind. _Righttt…._

I came back from my internal...and a tab bit crazy, debate. I could still hear Alice rambling on behind me. Finally, beyond frustrated I quickly turned around. "Listen Alice…"

I didn't finish the sentence though. My eyes widened, as Alice's did. Apparently, she was _a lot _closer to me. What I meant by _a lot _closer is that she was so close, that when I turned around the knife I was holding _somewhat_ stabbed her. Fine… by _somewhat_ stabbed her, I mean the knife went right into her stomach.

She gasped for air and fell back onto the kitchen floor, clutching her stomach. I think I was frozen in shock. There I was, Bella freaking Swan, in the kitchen of my in-laws, holding a bloodied knife after stabbing their youngest child. _Well…that's one way to shut her up. _

"Now's not the time!" I screamed at my thoughts.

_Oh you're right, you should just sit hear arguing with yourself out loud while Alice bleeds to death on the kitchen floor. That seems like something better to do with your time…_

My thoughts trailed off and I snapped out of my apparent stupor. I dropped the knife and rushed to Alice's side. She just kept gasping out short breathes.

"Alice! Oh my God! I'm so sorry. I'm going to go call 911, right now!"

I was about to move, but she gave a quick shudder, closed her eyes and stopped moving. _OH SHIT! _

"Alice?" I poked her side. "Alice..."

She wasn't moving. I knew that couldn't be good. _No, you cannot be dead! Think Bella, think! Say something that you know she would have to respond to…_

"Polyester neon clothes are in! Only cool people where shoulder pads!" Nothing, not even a flinch. "Oh my…she _really _is dead!"

_Wow…ok there Dr. Grey…how about you take what is called a pulse, before you go around calling the time of death. _I hit myself in the forehead. Of course, I needed to check the pulse but I could do without the sarcastic comments from my conscious.

I quickly checked to find no pulse. I stood up and started to pace. "This isn't good…this isn't good…." _No shit, Sherlock…_

"How in the world am I going to explain this?" _Oh hey cops, yeah I accidentally stabbed my sister-in-law. Yeah, that will work….I can picture my nice cell now….boy do I love the color gray…and there is my nice cellmate Bertha….big enough to take down Emmett….well, at least I know I would still be the girl in the relationship…._I stopped my train of thought because clearly, it wasn't helping the situation.

I gulped. _Oh and there is Carlisle and Esme's anniversary. I cannot believe I ruined that! _

I paced so much that I wouldn't be surprised to find a dent in the floor.

_Don't be stupid Bella…._My inner voice spoke. _Relax…I'll save you from your future girlfriend Bertha. _

I stopped pacing and was ready to listen to anything. I would do anything because _Bella Swan ain't gonna be nobody's beotch. Did I really just think that? What's next a gang bandana and a nickname of Lady-B?_

_All you have to do is just bring her body to the garden shed…there are plenty of shovels there…and you will be able to hide the body easily before anyone notices. Then, when people finally notice her missing, you just play dumb and they will never know. Who's going to ever believe that sweet-little Bella Swan killed her sister-in-law? Well…maybe they would believe Rosalie but never Alice. Then all that is left is fleeing to sunny Mexico._

My eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "Sunny Mexico? Why would I go there? Especially if everyone believes me?"

_I don't know…that's how all the evil plans end in the movies. _

I brought my hand to my face and pinched the bridge of my nose, a trait I picked up from my Edward. I sighed; there must be something wrong with my mind. I couldn't believe that someone else would think up with half the shit mine did.

_Enough with the self-pity party, Bella. Get a move on before someone comes into the kitchen!_

I jolted back, as if a ghost just spooked me and ran around the kitchen.

_Trash bags…trash bags….trash bags…_

I opened up the cupboards to notice the cans were alphabetized. _Are we a little OCD, Esme?_

I found the trash bags under the sink; they weren't huge but big enough to fit a midget in them. _Perfect…_

I put her in the bag and dragged it behind the counter that separated the kitchen to the dining room, and placed her right in front of the patio door.

I quickly glanced down at what was formerly known as Alice. "Uhh…be right back." I made my way into the kitchen. _Oh, are we talking to dead people now? What next, going to reveal to Bruce Willis that he really is, in fact, a ghost…_

I quickly grabbed cleaning supplies and started to clean the pool of blood that was in the middle of the kitchen floor. It was easy enough to pick up and I started to rinse my hands.

"Hey Bella."

I froze. I slowly shut off the faucet and turned around. I was hoping that my imagination was _so_ good that I just made up that voice. My eyes locked with another pair, there stood Jasper. I shouldn't have been shocked; I should have known this was coming, knowing the day I was having.

"Oh….HEY Jasper!" I may have over killed the greeting. _Interesting choice of words, Bella. _My voice couldn't quite find that right octave to be at. _Makes sense, you DID just slice and dice his wife, shoved her in a plastic bag and plan on burying her under Esme's hydrangeas. _

"I didn't know Edward and you had arrived. When did you get in?"

I may or may not have been staring at him all bug-eyed. Jasper's head tilted to the side while his eyebrows scrunched together. _Snap out of it Swan. _

"Well…just a little bit ago. Edward received a call and he went to go pick up Rosalie from the airport." I let a breath out, relieved that I formulated a whole sentence. _Just pat yourself on the back while you're at it._

Jasper just nodded his head and I continued, "I decided to stay so I could help Esme with the preparation."

I couldn't think. How could I, when Alice was dead in a plastic bag less than a room away from us. I contemplated telling Jasper. He would have to understand it was an accident.

_Oh, great plan. That just takes the cake. How do you think it's going to go…_

_Hey Jasper! How's work going?_

_Fine Bella and you?_

_Couldn't be better. Oh, by the way, I killed your wife…you know, your wife…your reason for existing…the short hyperactive woman that reminds be of a mixture between a leprechaun and a panda bear._

_Oh._

_Yeah…sorry about that, but not to worry…it was an accident!_

_Well as long as it was an accident._

_Great, now I'll grab the legs and you grab the arms...to the garden shed! AWAY!_

_Yeah, highly doubt that's going to happen…._

Who was I kidding? I need to get him out of here before he sees her. I looked up at him to see that he was staring. I wondered why for a moment and realized that I was just standing there, not talking, staring off into space. I wasn't doing the best job staying incognito but, then again, I wasn't like I was any sort of Sydney Bristow either.

"Are you all right Bella?" He asked, taking a step closer to me.

"Yup, great, just fine." _One answer would have sufficed. _"Just getting everything ready. You should go; you wouldn't want to be in the kitchen with us women-folk now would you?"

He laughed. "Alright, I think I'll go find Alice." _Yeah…good luck with that. _"I should warn you though; she has quite the makeover planned for you. She'll be coming to get you soon."

I gave a nervous laugh. "Not if I get her first…" _Great, now I just sound creepy. _

Relief washed over me when I saw him turn to leave. In my head, I started to do cart wheels and sing…_she's a smooth operator…_However, Jasper halted his movements and so did my internal cartwheels. He was staring at the ground. I followed his gaze and it landed on…_Holy frick on a stick…the knife!_

"What's this?" he inquired aloud. He went to grab the knife, however, I moved faster than a cheetah that had 10 red bulls and grabbed it. Rushing it over to the sink, I started to wash it profusely.

"You don't want to cut yourself!" I said, trying to explain the reasons for my out of character behavior.

I could feel Jasper walk up behind me. I was trying to tone down the crazy and act nonchalantly. Jasper peered over my shoulder. "What is that red stuff on the knife?"

"I was cutting up some tomatoes?" Some how I made it sound more like a question than a statement. _You really need to work on this, Bella. _I rolled my eyes again at myself, something I never did prior to this day. What was I suppose to do, take a class on the best ways to clean up and act after a murder?

"It seemed like a thicker substance," Jasper stated. _Geez Jasper, what are you a Professor now?_

"Well I also used it on the cake, it had red frosting." The lie came quickly; maybe I was getting better at this.

"Really?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. Sweets were the Achilles heel to all the Cullen men.

I finished cleaning the knife and turned to see Jasper B-line it for the refrigerator.

"I'll have to see what kind of cake it is," he said, running his hands together.

I darted in front of him, apparently still channeling my inner cheetah, and pressed my body up against the refrigerator door. He raised an eyebrow and gave me a quizzical look.

"No you don't," I said, waving my finger back in front, as if scolding him.

His eyes squinted at me. "Why don't you want me to see the cake, Bella?" _Geez, first he is a Professor, what now…a detective? _At the rate it was going, I imagined Jasper shining a huge light in my eyes, demanding to know where I was on the night of May 18th.

My eyes opened wide and my mouth hung slightly open. "Uh…well …it's…a...surprise, of course! We don't want everyone viewing the cake before we unveil it!"

He just smiled. "That's true." He held up his hands and walked backwards. "I guess I won't look," he stated, in a joking manner. _Great…now I have to make a cake later…hope Esme has red frosting._

"I guess now it the best time to go get Carlisle and Esme's gift from the trunk, since they are still out. If you see Alice, will you tell her where I will be?"

I nodded my head. _Sure, I'll tell her, just don't know if she'll listen._

He started to walk for the dining room. My eyes widened. I was willing him to go right instead of left. Going right would lead him into the living room and around to the front door. I was waving my arms frantically, motioning him to go right. I reminded myself of when I was home visiting Charlie and I sat with him to watch yet another boring sports game. I would see the coach on the sideline waving both hands in the direction he wanted his player to run. I thought it was stupid; it wasn't as if the player could see the coach. Usually the player would end up going the other way…this time was no different.

Jasper went left; he was heading out the back door. I guess it _was _the quicker way to the garage. I followed him slowly.

_Don't look down…yeah…that's just a bag of trash or clothes…you're not curious about the bag at all…_

I was relieved that he didn't even look down. He reached for the door, to slide it open, when his leg came in contact with the bag. He stopped his movements. The bag must have felt hard or something because he gave it another nudge with his leg.

_Don't do it Jasper…don't you dare do it…_

He crouched down and began to open the bag. The first thing visible was brown hair. When he opened the bag further, Alice's hand fell out.

Jasper's mouth opened, he stuttered a little bit and finally began to yell, "Oh...MY…."

SMASH!

I stood in shock at what I just did…correction, what I just did _again._ Still in my hands were the remnants of the vase I picked up and smashed over Jasper's head. He was lying limp on the floor. I was shocked at my actions. Things happened so fast, I barely had time to register my movements and I found myself thinking, did I do that? _Apparently, within the last couple of minutes, I have become Steve Urkel._

_ No, I will not believe it. I just meant to knock him out. He's not dead!_

I walked over to check his pulse, only to find out he didn't have one. _At this rate, I'll be more notorious than Jack the Ripper. Hmm…Bella the Ripper…doesn't seem to have quite the same pizzazz. _I was still frozen in the dining room, contemplating the serial killer name they would dub me, it ranged from 'The Accidental Killer' to 'Stabby McGee.'

_Not to worry Bella. I'm sure Bertha will have plenty of nicknames for you…_

That thought shot me up into a standing position. I needed to get the bodies buried, pronto!

I took about one step and heard a crack. Looking down, I saw that I had stepped on a part of the vase. I crouched down and realized that it was Esme's antique vase. I groaned. "Shit, she's going to be so upset!"

_Right Bella…she is going to be upset about her vase, not her daughter and son-in-law being murdered on the day of her anniversary._

I ignored the inner voice that was starting to be more annoying than Alice was. I picked up the pieces of the vase placed them in the trash bag with Alice. Before leaving, I was about to tell Jasper not to go anyway, realizing this was stupid, I stopped myself. I didn't need any more mocking than necessary.

I took all my strength but I got the munchkin out of the house, down the steps and into the garden shed. My plan was to get Jasper bring him back here as well and start digging. _Don't forget about sunny Mexico…_

On the way out, I saw a tarp. It was perfect! I walked back to the house with the tarp hanging over my shoulder.

I started to give myself a pep talk. _This is getting ridiculous, first Alice then Jasper. I really need to simmer down. Ok, I can't kill anyone else, no matter what kind of pickle I'm in, not that I really planned the first two murders…All right Bella, no more killing, if that thought passes through your mind, back away and go play a game of Sudoku…yeah, Sudoku will occupy your mind!_

I got to the kitchen and laid out the blue tarp. Pushing Jasper onto it was quite the workout. Using my legs to push off the wall, I was able to shove Jasper on to the tarp and roll him up in it. _Ok…great, now I just need to get him to the shed._

I scratched my head and looked perplexed. I couldn't see how this was going to work. _Ding…Ding. In this corner, weighing in at a measly 105 pounds…Bella Swan! In the opposite corner, weighing in at 215 pounds, all of it probably muscles…the corpse of Jasper Whitlock! _

I shrugged my shoulders and just went for it. I grabbed the end of the tarp and tried to pull. Surprise, surprise, it did not work. One was more likely to see Britney Spears win a mother of the year award than me moving Jasper's body.

"BELLA!"

I froze…again. I started to wonder if the Cullen's should be detectives and fight crime, they seem to have inner radars that directed them toward murdered bodies.

Before I could turn around, I was engulfed in a hug. Let's just say if Alice was a panda then Emmett was a grizzly bear. I sighed. _Will this be what my life is like with Bertha? _I was being swung around. When Emmett placed me down, I started to sway. He just laughed at my apparent dizziness. _Won't be so funny when I barf all over him. _

Finally, after regaining my composure I could speak. "Hey Emmett."

He had the biggest grin. "You excited about the big shindig?"

"Uh…yeah!" I glanced down at Jasper, trying to plot away out of this mess. _If only I watched more MacGyver as a child…_

Inner Bella just shook her head at me. _What are you thinking, Bella? Are you going to pocket knife your way out of this situation? I think the last thing you need is another knife. _

"When did you get back?" I asked, trying to buy myself more time.

"Just now, Carlisle and Esme are on their way too. I just got off the phone with them."

I nodded and panic rose. _I need to think of a plan ASAP!_

"What's this?" Emmett looked around me and saw the huge tarp lying on the floor. _Of course…Emmett, who got lost in the mall. Emmett, who spent two hours on a single page before finally finding Waldo…points out the one thing I don't want him to. _

"Gardening tools…right! I'm bringing them to the shed!" I shouted, sounding far too happy about it. It was hard not to be pleased with myself; I was getting so much better at lying.

He scoffed. I panicked. Did he not believe me?

He motioned toward the tarp. "That looks heavy." He picked up my arm at the wrist with his left hand, holding it between his thumb and index finger. "I think you would blow away in the wind if it wasn't for your clothes weighing you down." He dropped my hand and chuckled.

I was scowling at him until I saw him move towards Jasper.

"What are you doing?" I yelled.

He bent down and hoisted Jasper over his shoulders. "Whoa! What's in here? Cement? Weights? A body?"

He chuckled loudly, while I almost pissed my pants. He made his way toward the shed.

"You _really _don't have to do this, Emmett!"

"Don't be silly, Bella! Anyways…how's life? Is Edward treating you right or do I have to teach my little brother a lesson, Rocky-style?"

His laugh echoed throughout the sky making birds scatter. I followed behind him trying not to hyperventilate.

"Nope…everything is great…just great!" My voice squeaked at the end.

We almost were to the shed. My heart soared. _Am I actually going to get away with this?_ Stranger things have happened…green ketchup, Beanie Baby popularity, Marisa Tomei's Oscar win…

_Scratch that, spoke to soon..._I saw Jasper's foot; it was visible from under the tarp. _Relax…maybe he won't notice. _

We were in the shed and Emmett threw Jasper down. A loud thud could be heard. Emmett quickly straightened out and turned toward me. He displayed a huge grin and decided that it would a good time to flex. "Emmett...the warrior!" He flexed again. _For the love of God…_

"If the lady need-ith any more help-ith, just call upon me, Sir-Emmett-lifts-a-lot!" He laughed again. I just tried to get him to the freaking door!

He made a step towards outside. _I was home free…the craziness can just stop here…_He stopped. _DAMN! Is it me? Do I keep jinxing myself? Note to self: Stop getting relieved! _

He made his way over to the trash bag. Then I noticed it myself…the bag was leaking blood. _Stupid Alice…getting attention even after death!_

He opened the bag and saw Alice. He quickly moved and pulled back the tarp to see Jasper. _Wow, he put that together fast…_

"Oh my God! Bella, what happened here—AH!"

Emmett fell over onto his stomach, the garden clippers were sticking out of his back. _Ah! Bella…again with the killing, what happened to Sudoku?_

I started to pace. "What do you see a Sudoku book lying around that I'm unaware of?"

_Well you surely did it THIS time. Alice was an accident. Jasper, well you just tried to knock him out. Emmett…what were you thinking?_

"Ahh, I didn't mean to!" I threw up my hands in frustration.

_Oh, ok. You didn't mean to kill him. Then what you were just trying to incapacitate him and you thought paralysis was the way to go? Just stab him through the spine?_

"Shut it!" I screamed, I guess at myself. Coming to the realization that the more the day went on, the crazier I became.

I had to think quickly. I searched for anything, a sign to help me out. Emmett was huge, how the hell was I going to move him anyway? I was getting nowhere. I looked up toward the ceiling. I was ready to speak, but I stopped myself, for what I was asking, no one up there would help me. I looked down to the ground, hoping to receive a sign or something to help me. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw it. Of course, the Cullen's would keep a chain saw.

I picked it up and pulled back the cord. The machine sprang to life…which was kind of lacking around here. _No thanks to you, Swan. _I hoisted it above my chest, swaying slightly since it was quite heavy. _I may not be able to move Emmett, but I'll be able to move pieces of Emmett…yes, I've gone nuts. What next? Should I reside in Texas and wear a mask on my face…no, that's already been done before. _

I was about to bring the chainsaw down upon Emmett but stopped. I really had to think what I was doing. _Maybe I should-_

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I couldn't hear anything over the stupid chainsaw. I turned abruptly and I saw two things fall to the ground. The bigger of the two was Carlisle. He fell backwards with a shocked expression. Seeing him, I already knew what the other object was…his arm. I stopped the chainsaw, put in on the ground and raced towards Carlisle. I picked his arm up before kneeling down next to him.

"Carlisle! I am _so _sorry!" There was so much blood everywhere. I tried to put the arm back on the stub. _This isn't your childhood Ken doll…you can't rip off his arm and put it back on. _

I stopped my lame attempt. Inner voice Bella was right. I leaned over to look at Carlisle. He was pale at the blood loss and he was breathing irregular.

I brought my hand up to his face and cupped his cheek. "I know this probably doesn't mean much now…but, happy anniversary," I said sheepishly.

A few moments passed and so did Carlisle. I was extremely sad; Edward and I had bought them such great gifts. I picked out a nice gold watch for Carlisle. I sighed. _Well…I can always bury it with him. _

I looked down at my sweater and noticed a barely visible stain of blood. It was a good thing Alice picked out a red sweater; it was almost as if she was a psychic, well…not a very good one since she died and all.

I stood up and walked to the center of the shed. I looked at the four mutilated bodies that circled me. Looking at my watch, I realized it has been about one hour and a half.

"Yup…this kind of…this kind of got out of hand."

_You could say that again. Now, what have we learned now, Bella?_

"There are some makeovers that really can kill."

My head shot toward the door when I heard angry mumbling. _Shit! _I walked over, planted a foot on Emmett's back and pulled the hedge clippers out. I walked to the door and listened. If the Cullens really had inner radars that directed them toward murdered bodies…well, this shed would be the mother load.

The voice was getting closer. _It's now or never, Bella! _I swiftly opened the door held up the hedge clippers like a spear and came face to face with Edward. With one quick motion, I shoved the clippers behind my back and stepped to the right so I could close the door almost the entire way and stood in the small opening. I didn't want him to see into the shed.

I nonchalantly leaned against the doorframe. "What's up Babe?" _The Academy award goes to…Bella Swan, for her magnificent performance in 'Keeping it Cool.'_

His eyes widened, he took an awkward step to his right, almost as if he was shielding me from something. "Bella!" he gasped out. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "What are you doing in the shed?"

"Umm…I offered to do some gardening!" I pulled my hand from around my back to show him the hedge clippers.

He stared at them and then his eyebrows pushed together. "Is that blood?"

I glanced at the clippers and smacked myself in the forehead. _I should have known they would have had blood on them._

I sighed. I saw his hand reach out and push the door open. I didn't even try to stop him.

He gasped. I didn't look back. I knew what he saw. _Bertha baby…here I come. _I could even look him in the eye anymore.

I heard him let out a breath. "What a relief!"

My head snapped up and I looked at him incredulously. "What?"

I started to wonder if crazy could spread. He took a step to his left and I looked down to see Rosalie's body on the ground. I looked back up at him and he said, "You're never going to believe the day I had."

I gave a disbelieving chuckle. "You're telling me?" He nodded his head while looking around me to see the mess I made.

He dragged Rosalie in and placed her next to the rest of the family. Looking back up at me, he sighed and said, "And this isn't even the half of it."

I finally felt relief. It was ok to now, now Edward knew and we would figure it out. Finally, everything was going to be ok.

"Hello!" My face dropped. _Should have figured as much…next time I make a note to myself…actually follow it! _

"Carlisle? Anyone?" Esme's voice got closer to the shed. Carlisle must have told her where he was going.

Edward and I stared wide-eyed at each other. We both knew we couldn't cover this up, we both knew what had to be done. I shoved the hedge clippers toward him. He just shook his head and shoved them back at me.

"She's my mother!" he whispered and pointed toward the door.

"Well…I had to deal with four…FOUR! You only had to deal with one, marriage is all about equality!"

Neither of us would budge. Esme was almost here. Both of us relaxed our postures because we knew that we couldn't decide and we knew what we had to do. We both held out a fist and on the count of three…

_ Rock…_

_ Paper…_

_ Scissors…_

_ Shoot!_

_

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**I hoped you enjoyed crazy and rambling Bella! You should review, so I can see if the craziness spread. lol. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks everyone who read and reviewed my story. And, thanks to everyone who added my story to their favorites. It's good to know that other people have my sense of humor as well. haha **

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**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/2171754/killacullen**

**There's also a bunch of other wonderful stories in the contest so you should all check it out! Thanks again for taking the time to read the story. You guys are awesome!**


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